I was sifting through old posts today and re-read this one from a few years back. Holy crap - it made me laugh so hard. Not because I think I'm so funny - but because really, the kiss I apologize for in this post was so bad. I changed the name of the party involved to "Charlie" - because in this day and age, he could easily see it. (I mean, he is facebook friends with a lot of my facebook friends!) And he had a pretty distinct name. And I don't want to embarrass him. But this story needs to be told. Again.
I owe "Charlie" an apology. Here's why. He was my boyfriend the for the summer between 9th and 10th grades. I had had one previous boyfriend, Nate, (pronounced with a distinct nasal-y tone), who taught me how to kiss. Basically, how Nate kissed was, he stuck his tongue inside my mouth and moved it around as fast as he could. I thought it was weird, and a little gross - but I also though that was kissing. When "Charlie" and I got together, he had never kissed anyone. I was supposed the be the expert on kissing, since I had been kissed at least a dozen times the summer before by Nate. "Charlie" and I were "going together" for 5 months. I spent most of these 5 months avoiding kissing. I was terrified to kiss him. TERRIFIED! One night we were saying goodbye on my front porch, and he started going in for the kiss. I panicked, yelled WAIT! and slapped my hand over his mouth. When he rolled his eyes and irritatedly said "What!" I said I had something important to say, but I had forgotten what it was. Sorry! Goodnight! And I ran in the house, shut the door, and left him standing there, probably bewildered and frustrated ( and maybe a little blue?) on my front porch.
There were many moments like this in our 5 month courtship. We spent entire days alone at his house, perfect for making out - but I somehow avoided it. Until, one day, I didn't. We were at the church in front of my mom's house - and he was sneaky. Before I realized what was happening, his lips were on mine. I closed my eyes and did what I knew I had to do. I stuck my tongue in his mouth and moved it around as fast as I could. It was horrible. HORRIBLE! We kissed a few more disgusting times over the next couple of weeks, and then I couldn't take it anymore - so I broke up with him. (also, during the first week of 10th grade, he wore a turtleneck to school, which humiliated me, so that is the other reason I had to break up with him). He ended up being one of the hottest guys in high school - and all I could think of every time I saw him was - I gave him the WORST first kiss experience EVER! It only took a few weeks (actually, maybe days?) after we broke up until I was kissing all kinds of cute boys at school. Boys who knew how to kiss, and therefore, I learned how to kiss - and I have been embarrassed by my bad kissing with "Charlie" ever since. So, here is my list of apologies for "Charlie":
There were many moments like this in our 5 month courtship. We spent entire days alone at his house, perfect for making out - but I somehow avoided it. Until, one day, I didn't. We were at the church in front of my mom's house - and he was sneaky. Before I realized what was happening, his lips were on mine. I closed my eyes and did what I knew I had to do. I stuck my tongue in his mouth and moved it around as fast as I could. It was horrible. HORRIBLE! We kissed a few more disgusting times over the next couple of weeks, and then I couldn't take it anymore - so I broke up with him. (also, during the first week of 10th grade, he wore a turtleneck to school, which humiliated me, so that is the other reason I had to break up with him). He ended up being one of the hottest guys in high school - and all I could think of every time I saw him was - I gave him the WORST first kiss experience EVER! It only took a few weeks (actually, maybe days?) after we broke up until I was kissing all kinds of cute boys at school. Boys who knew how to kiss, and therefore, I learned how to kiss - and I have been embarrassed by my bad kissing with "Charlie" ever since. So, here is my list of apologies for "Charlie":
1. Sorry I made your first kiss so yucky. Sorry I moved my tongue in your mouth so fast.
2. Sorry I didn't spend the entire 5 months we were dating kissing and making out. I really made you wait for that crappy kiss. I should have been less scared of kissing.
3. Sorry I broke up with you for wearing a turtleneck. Not that you ever knew that was the real reason - but it was. I was so, so shallow. Obviously, a boy who will wait around for 4.5 months for his girlfriend to kiss him, deserves more than that. Its not like you beat me or tied me up with the turtleneck! You just wore it. Casually walked into school, proudly wearing a warm and comfy new shirt, and my respect for you squeezed right out of that tight little neck hole. I don't even remember why I had such strong feelings about turtlenecks, and why, instead of breaking up with you I didn't simply say - "take that shirt off. Let's make out!"
4. Sorry I never grabbed you in the high-school hall after I had learned how to kiss and planted one on you - just to show you that I was better. I always wanted to. You were, after all, super hot.
Whew. Now I feel better. That has been eating at me since 10th grade.
2 comments:
This is hilarious! You may have a new blog stalker ;)
You tell stories well. I love it.
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