I am at an all time high in my weight right now. (not counting pregnancies) I don't know why I've let myself get this way, or why I've let myself stay this way. I'm discouraged and disappointed in myself. I let my weight affect my self worth. But even more, the way I constantly talk one way and act another, makes me feel stupid, weak, and defeated. I think about my weight every single day. I think about it when I put on my pants that have gotten too tight. I think about it when I take my pants off and see that my husband is watching me, probably wondering if I'm going to get any bigger. I think about it with every bite of food that I put in my mouth. I still think I'm cute.....and maybe that is the problem. Maybe if I truly thought I was disgusting, I'd lose the weight. But some part of me is in denial, and thinks that despite the extra 30 lbs I'm carrying, I'm still an attractive, sexy, curvy girl. I wish that weight didn't matter to me. I don't think I'd be here with my weight if I wasn't so obsessed with it. I eat because I'm not supposed to. Ordering the French fries is my way of saying "Eff You" to my diet. I've always had a need to rebel, even if its against my own rules. Why can't I be someone who eats food because I'm hungry, because it sustains me, and not for emotional reasons?
Maybe posting a weekly picture of my bare bum here on my blog will give me the motivation I need. I'll skip my daily iced mocha, knowing that if I don't, next week's picture won't be smaller than last week's picture, and how humiliating would that be?
8 comments:
Mush, I think you are BEAUTIFUL! And cute and very attractive. When I was at my skinniest I was miserable. So size is not always the answer, attitude is.
Hey... it is just a head game and I know, because I once played it very well. I don't play it now, NOT because I'm thin and have no weight I could lose (I certainly do), but because ... I gave up those things that, for ME, had a lot of influence over how often I wanted to shove something down my throat. I don't even know how I did it, other than I just said.. ENOUGH. I was just committed in my mind so much that I didn't notice the physical withdrawals as much as I normally would have. It took me a good 3 years of being 30 pounds more than I am today to get that motivation. I certainly know those feelings and I'm sorry that you are in the midst of them. I think you need to be more kind to yourself and allow yourself to find that motivation and commitment when it comes. Until then, just appreciate your body for being good to you. If you give up the fight, maybe the need to sabotage yourself will fall away. You don't deserve to be punished for not being at your desired weight.
Is there ever a woman that is completely satisfied with her body??? I agree with Marie and Teresa, find happiness now and then at whatever size you are you will be happy.
I didn't write this so everyone would tell me that I'm beautiful. My inconsistency between what I say and what I do is what disappoints me the most. If I could just stop worrying about it, be happy where I am, and not obsess over my weight, I would feel great. I am just so sick of complaining about my weight, and then making decisions every day to keep me that way. It all comes down to decisions. I need to either decide that I am happy with my body, and accept it. Or, decide to change my body - and then DO IT! I just want what I say to match what I do.
I am 30 lbs. bigger than what I normally am too. A few weeks ago I got a gym pass and started going and then I just stopped, I have that rebel problem to of wanting to break rules even if they are my own. I think we all put to high of expectations on ourselves, maybe instead of telling yourself you need to lose thirty lbs (me to) we need to say today, I am going to be healthier at the end of the day then I was yesterday and just work on day to day stuff. I hope you aren's annoyed that I don't even know you and I always read your blog.
Mush, take it one day at a time, and then reward your self with a fun outing or a cute pair of shoes. For every time you skip french fries, or that milkshake, or cheeseburger or whatever, REWARD yourself. Praise yourself. Tell yourself you can do it, and then make yourself PROUD! You're your own worst critic. Show yourself you can do it.
Natelli - of course I'm not annoyed! I read your blog too!
Ruby - I have no problem rewarding myself. I reward my self too much daily lol
I completely agree with you when you say that because you still feel sexy and beautiful, you allow yourself a lot of leeway. I am the exact same way, but I realized today though, despite what people say, that i am heavier than I would like to be. I was weighed at the doctor today and was told that I way 144 lbs. Talk about a mood killer. I realized I need to eat healthier, but it's so hard, and to be honest I don't know if I am going to.
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